Nobody's Talking

Well the soldiers have started coming home on leave. Everyone's leave is at a different time, but when they get here they have fourteen days at home. My husband will be one of the last to come home. When? We'll know when he gets here, but it won't be for a few months. I'm not letting myself think about specific dates yet. I'm more interested in what to expect and how to prepare, but no one's talking.

My past experience with Jason "visiting" for a week or two between military responsibilities makes me a little nervous. Not because of him. Its me. I go a little crazy. My head starts spinning. I start saying things I don't mean. My eyes leak continuously. I start freaking out about saying goodbye almost right after we say hello. I get possessive and possibly possessed. I lose the ability to share. I am like a Kindergartner clinging to a toy, "MINE!" Except that I'm clinging to a human being capable of making his own decisions. Okay maybe its not that bad, but my husband might see this as a pretty accurate description.

The truth is everything about the military creates mixed feelings. Sometimes outsiders don't know this. Of course the first and strongest feelings during any homecoming are happiness, relief, joy, excitement, gratitude, and possibly disbelief. But there is also some anxiety about the readjustment, frustration that the other person doesn't act or say what you pictured, annoyance that things and people changed, sadness about the time lost, fear about saying goodbye again, fear that you've both changed too much, and so on. Sometimes when I try to explain this, people respond with, "Yeah, but he's home!" I know that. He knows that. Its still not an easy transition for either of us.

So, I've tried to start preparing for his leave with lots of self talk. I have to keep repeating that under no circumstances can I hold him hostage for 14 days. He has to see a few other people and they have to see him. I have to share. I also have to give him some time for himself. Not being a soldier for 14 days after months of living and breathing it will be pretty challenging. He'll need processing time. I probably will too. Even as I type that my stomach ties in knots, my throat tightens, and I feel like hissing or hitting delete. I'm also telling myself to remember he is not me. He will come home and do things his way. That's okay. I married him because of who he is, not because he is a male version of me. I will regain my status as Queen of the Castle soon enough and by that time I won't want it. I'll be missing the King of the Castle too much to care.

Don't worry- I'll let myself feel all the happy emotions. That's the easy part. I don't need any preparation for that. My other emotions have a tendency to knock both me and Jason out if I let them sneak up on us. So, I will prepare for leave by taking inventory of the emotions that start to move in. I will name them, assign them to rooms and give them things to do. Clean the closet. Write. Sing silly songs with my daughter. Sit there and don't say anything. Be supportive. Listen. Breathe. This self talk and preparation will allow me to keep the craziness away. I hope. Am I alone in this internal battle? I hope not, but I cannot be sure.

I know one family who chose to pass on their soldier's leave because last time was too hard. I know someone else who admitted to picking a lot of fights when her husband was home. She didn't want to and she didn't know why it happened. Another normally well adjusted woman drove around her neighborhood before going home because she just couldn't have any more sex that day. Someone else had trouble getting out of bed when her soldier left again (not another side effect of sex, but from depression). Others have said they feel like its the first goodbye all over again.

I ask Jason about the soldiers who have returned from leave. How are they? What do they say about it? I ask wives how their time was or how they feel about an upcoming visit. I've gotten some straight answers, but mostly vague mumblings about how good it was to see each other. I know THAT. I want to know the other stuff. The stuff no one is talking about.

Having 14 days together is supposed to be a wonderful thing, so maybe its hard to admit the not so wonderful stuff about it. We feel guilty. But, maybe if we talk about the not so great parts, we can make them go away and we can just enjoy the time. At the very least, talking might help us feel a little less crazy and not so alone. Or maybe its just me?