How do we do this?

I read a status update from a fellow army wife on Facebook. She wonders how other people do this. "This" being working full time and taking care of 2 kids, alone. I've gotten to know her over the past few months and she's amazingly tough and balanced. She gave birth to their second baby a few months after her husband deployed. He hasn't met the baby yet. Every time I talk to her she seems pulled together, happy, and coherent. Three things I know I wasn't when my baby was born. And my husband was home.

If anyone can do this, she can. But that really doesn't answer the question. How do we do this? How the fuck do we do this? Can someone PLEASE tell us? How do we become single parents during deployment?

I go back to work in 2 weeks. I told my sister I don't remember how I managed work and home with Jason gone at the end of last school year. I've been so busy all summer! How can I add work back into my life? Not just any work but the nine plus daily hours of being an elementary teacher to a class full of needy kids. My sister said people ask her how I do it. I laughed and told her I have no idea.

I do know that I've gotten better at taking things one day at a time. Every time I start stressing about going back to school, I remember that I am not going back today. Then I focus on what I need to do today. I also try to remember that I have worried about the start of the school year since I started Kindergarten 26 years ago. Deployment did not create this worry. It just gave me more fuel.

I also try to ask for and accept help. This too has been a challenge in my life since Kindergarten when I couldn't find my classroom and didn't want to ask for help. I remember hot angry tears filling my eyes because I couldn't remember my room number. I'd like to think I've made some progress in this area, but accepting help from others is hard. I still get mad at myself or the situation before I realize that lots of people are waiting to help me in any way they can. If only I'd let them.

Last deployment a friend came up with the daily goal. What's the goal today? The goal could be anything as long as it was simple and concrete. It helped us feel successful on those days when getting out of bed was hard. Quite often my goal was something like, "wash the dishes" or "get through the day without crying in front of strangers" or "turn the TV off when the news comes on". We'd check in at the end of the day. Yup. Today was a good day because I didn't cry or scream or act crazy in public.

With a child, there really isn't an option to only accomplish one thing and feel good about it. But I frequently give myself permission to let things go. I lower the expectations. A teacher lowering expectations? Believe it. Its okay if I don't do the dishes. Its okay if the only 3 things I cook for weeks are pizza, pasta, and pancakes. My daughter and I like foods that begin with P and at least we ate something mostly healthy together. And at least I rotated the 3 Ps. We got some variety. And I didn't cry in front of her while we ate.

Actually, I haven't cried during a dinner with her in months. I have made great gains in the area of crying. Of course I still tear up and let tears leak out once in awhile, and I still have a good sob when necessary. I wouldn't be me if I didn't. But that pathetic weeping? Check. I've gotten that mostly under control. I'm going to feel good about that. No more weeping. Usually. What a ridiculous thing to pat myself on the back for, but being a single parent during deployment is also ridiculous. How do we do it? We just do.