Confession

I keep reading sad stuff. I'm drawn to it. Not any sad story will do. Usually it has to be about the military or military families or war.

Like Mrs. P's blog. She's a brilliant, honest writer, but prepare yourself. She's a 23 year old Marine widow as of just 2 months ago. Almost every post makes me cry and laugh and be completely amazed by her.

Mrs. P. wrote for a series in the Washington Post called "Impact of War". On her blog she has a link to the article she wrote. So of course I read it and that led me to more sadness.

But in all the sadness I see strength. Maybe that's what I'm drawn to more than the sadness, the amazing personal strength that comes from stories of deployment and war.

Only 1% of our population serves in the military. (Does that statistic include spouses and family? Probably not, so we could say that 1% serves and another approximate 1% is directly impacted by that service.) In the last year I realized one of the responsibilities of a military spouse is to keep people talking about, thinking about, and supporting our soldiers. I am invisibly connected to about 2% of the population forever, just because of my husband's decision to enlist.

Tonight's realization, or confession, is that I'll never be out of the club. My heart will forever be drawn to stories of soldiers, deployment, and military families. My own stories (blog posts) about military life might stop, but I'll keep reading and listening to others' stories. When I read their stories I feel a connection. A connection to every military spouse past, present, and future. A need to share in their stresses, frustrations, triumphs, and pain. That sharing and connection is strong and often invisible and silent, but I've felt it.

I hope Mrs. P. feels that connection, too.

Identity Crisis

As my husband transitions back to his civilian job (he went back this week!) I would expect him to have some transition problems. Civilian life and expectations are quite different than life as a soldier. The reintegration process is bound to bring up questions and doubts. Is this really me? What's the meaning of my job? How do I fill this hole? Who am I now? These are all reasonable questions for a soldier returning home to ask him (or her) self.

But me?

I guess I didn't expect it. Last deployment I was thrilled to give up being a fiance with a deployed husband-to-be. I don't remember having any moments of "Who am I now that he's home?" (Although I did have plenty of "Who is HE?" moments.)

This deployment I coped with my husband's absense by EMBRACING life as a military spouse. I blogged about it. I read other blogs about it. I became a military spouse. I watched Army Wives. I hung out with other army wives. Because of Facebook and the internet I connected with people I'll never meet but I'll always feel bonded to.

My husband's return brought so many wonderful things- my daughter's daddy, yummy meals, a partner, a dog walker, someone to laugh with, someone to talk to, and a million other little immeasureable things.

It also brought one not so wonderful thing. I got kicked out of the military spouse club. Not literally, but now I read milspouse blogs and feel like an outsider. I've run out of blog fodder. I don't really care to watch Army Wives any more (gasp!). I haven't seen my own army wives in weeks and although I miss them, the biggest thing we have in common is the Army. And we're all trying to scrub the Army off and enjoy civilian lives with our hubbies.

So...maybe it's time I accept that this chapter of my life is over. Right? (99% of me is cheering, but 1% is sighing at the end of my time as an active military spouse- he's got another 10 years so I'm not done, but military is returning to the back burner of our lives, for now.)

The hardest part of turning in my membership card is admitting its time to end this blog. This blog is one of the best supports I created for myself during the last deployment. It helped me find a positive slant on most issues that I faced during deployment. But, deployment is over. It's time to move on. It's time to step back into the civilian world with both feet. I've never been good at goodbyes, so I have a few more posts in me before I can be done. Thanks for reading.