Confession

Today I logged into my banking information to see which account I should withdraw some cash from. Let me preface this by saying I am responsible with money. I don't spend when I'm stressed. I actually hate shopping. I like to save money. I LIKE to balance my check book, although I admit I don't always do it. Too bad about that.

When I logged in, I noticed a transfer of money that I hadn't done.

Then, I noticed THREE OVERDRAFT FEES. WHAT? IS THIS REALLY MY ACCOUNT? yup. gulp.

Summer vacation started and I forgot to manage the money. Ironically a trip to the financial advisor started this. I wrote out a check and forgot about it. Well, they cashed it and then 2 days ago I caused THREE overdraft fees. Yikes. That's expensive.

Then yesterday, my dear husband transferred money so that things would stop plummeting further into the hole. He didn't tell me he did this. He didn't belittle me for my stupid mistakes. He just did it from his laptop with sketchy internet on the other side of the world. The money came from our joint account that I have full access to and it had plenty of money to cover my expenditures. It appears that he wasn't going to bring it up at all. I finally noticed my mistakes today.

I'm really trying to stop feeling AWFUL and guilty and instead just appreciate my husband. He knows just when to step in and help me out, even when he's busy on the other side of the world. And he's gracious enough to help without rubbing it in my face. Thanks honey. Times THREE! I love you.

Lonely

Loneliness is an inevitable part of deployment. I find it to be a strange emotion. Maybe because its one we don't talk about that much. Maybe because although its all about feeling alone, being with others doesn't always make it go away. Plus, to say "I'm lonely" out loud is humbling and makes me feel more vulnerable than all the other emotions. Its the emotion that always feels like my fault. My inner voice fills me with coulds and shoulds- "I could have made plans with someone. I should have realized that I have all this open time with nothing to do. I should go out and do something! I could choose to stop feeling lonely."

Today I set aside the judgement and shame and took some time to just sit with the feeling of loneliness and study it. Actually I wasn't sitting, I was walking. And I wasn't alone. I had Lizzie and JD. But I was still lonely.

Things that don't make the loneliness go away (but should!):
* Ice cream- its still yummy though and I'm not giving it up! Maybe I just haven't eaten enough of it yet:)
* Bad TV- I've watched a lot of shows about prison. Don't ever go to prison- as an inmate or employee. Its bad. Although, watching these shows does make me think, "Well at least no one threw poop at me today or put me in solitary confinement, or fed me through a hole in the wall, or shot at me..." So, I guess it does help me let go of some self pity- because these shows remind me that my life is GOOD and a little loneliness is nothing!

Things that help distract me from the loneliness:
*Friends, family (of course!)
*Spending time with Jason's family and friends- this was a surprising discovery! They help me feel close to him and this scares off the loneliness in a way that nothing else can.
*Reading or writing- Why does this work? I'm still alone! I guess it just distracts my mind.
* A good movie. Or even a bad one that is still semi entertaining.
* Having a good conversation with Jason over email, the web cam, the phone, or once even in a dream!

But the BEST remedy for loneliness (I was lucky enough to discover this evening) is...
Facing the loneliness. Admitting to it.
Talking about it. Calling it by name.
Looking loneliness straight in the eye and saying,
"You don't scare me! I am bigger and stronger than you."

Ten Things I Love About Deployment

1. I get to rearrange my kitchen cabinets however I want for the next year. Okay, so truthfully this hasn't happened yet, but it still could. I have the time. When Jason told me he was deploying again I scanned my brain for something positive. Anything? Rearranging the kitchen cabinets to my liking was the only idea I could come up with. No longer would I wonder where the pizza cutter was, or why that pan was in THAT cabinet. Jason does most (all) of the baking in our house, so I figured I could pack up the cheese cake pans, muffin tins, fancy frosting gun, and other utensils I don't know how to use for his deployment. It hasn't happened yet. Maybe because they are simple reminders of him. Maybe because Lizzie finds some of them to be fun toys. Maybe I just haven't gotten around to it yet. I still have time.
2. Deployment is a chance to be reminded of how many people I have in my life that care about me and want to help! I am so lucky to be surrounded by family and friends ready to help in any way they can. I'm always grateful for them, but especially when Jason is gone.
3. Its a chance to come out of my shell and catch up with friends. I'm introverted and most comfortable at home. With Jason gone, that gets lonely. So, I am forcing myself to reach out to people, to go out, and to try new things.
4. THE YMCA! That is one of the new things that Lizzie and I tried. She's taking swim lessons and because Jason is deployed the membership is FREE. Free is definitely a good thing.
5. Making new friends. Stressful situations can create strong bonds. I'm grateful for the Army wives I am meeting. Without deployment I might never have gotten to know these strong, supportive women.
6. A reminder to not push myself too hard, permission to say no, and the ability to ask for what I need. I liked being pregnant for the same reason. I ate when I needed to eat, I slept when I was tired, I let myself say "no" when I needed to, and I offered no apologies for these self preserving actions. Deployment allows (REQUIRES!) me to do that too. In fact, I got a dog walker. I know, it sounds extravagant. It still feels a bit extravagant, but I can't imagine deployment without her help.
7. The occasional moment when I realize, "Hey! I'm really doing this!" "I'm handing a sick kid, teaching full time, caring for the dog, and still standing!" Sometimes it doesn't take much to create this moment. It could be when I am able to vacuum the house 2 weekends in a row or the one day I remember to get the mail instead of leaving it for the dog walker to pick up.
8. Being able to support my husband and being proud of him. He loves being a soldier and I love him for so many reasons, including his dedication.
9. Hmm.....what else?
10. I'm out of ideas...
Well...I have plenty of time left to think of 2 more things that I love about deployment. There have to be at least 2 more things? Right?

Is this deployment harder or easier?

People often ask if this deployment is harder or easier than the last. There are so many factors to consider when answering this question! It depends on the day, the minute, my mood, the circumstances, my daughter's mood, Jason's mood, the quality of the phone or computer connection, and a million other things. Although on most days I wouldn't call this deployment harder, for some reason I also hesitate to use the word "easier".

It's just different. Different life circumstances. Different technology. Different information. This time, I often know what to expect because of my experiences during the first deployment. Also, the military provides us with more information now than they did in 2003. This is partly because I now have "wife" status, but it's also largely due to improvements in their knowledge of how to support families and soldiers. (Yeah! 1 point for the military!) The internet also provides a lot more information, although this is not always a good thing.

As for the emotional experiences? Well I'm discovering that they are not as different as I had hoped.

I still have moments when my deployment emotions make no sense to me or anyone else. There are days when everyone around me is mystified by how to help or what is going through my head. On those days I am usually just as mystified. In the beginning, I had a few times I thought "Geez! My husband is DEPLOYED. I shouldn't sound so happy." On one occasion, a support person from the military called me a few weeks after Jason got to Iraq. She was very compassionate. Her full time job is to support families of deployed soldiers. She is paid to listen to people vent and complain; and then to help them. When she asked how I was doing, I enthusiastically replied "Great!" After I hung up, I shook my head in disbelief. Did I really just say that? What a strange response. But it was true. I missed Jason terribly, but life was going along quite well and things almost felt "easy". Almost.

There have been other times when my emotions didn't match up to the expectation (mine or anyone elses). Take this week for example. Today was the end of my first week of summer vacation. I should be basking in the time to relax and enjoying my days at home. Surprise! It was one of the hardest weeks since Jason left. Suddenly I have all this TIME. Time to think. Time to check email. Time to check the mail box. Time to check Facebook. Time to check email again. TIME to wonder- what am I going to do with all this TIME? Unfortunately, I'm also exhausted from the end of the school year. So, I don't have the energy to fill up the TIME. Instead, I take lots of naps and then I worry, am I wasting too much TIME?

This week has also taught me that the emotions of deployment are still the same. It took me a lot longer to unpack all the emotions, but they're here! In fact, a month ago I (privately) thought, "Yes, this deployment IS easier. I am happy and well adjusted." Then I immediately thought "Shhh! I can't admit that to people!" This time I know many of the other Army wives and I saw and heard their initial struggles and instead of relating to current feelings, I was relating to my feelings from Deployment 2003. As if, you only get to feel those things in the first deployment. Like I had received the vaccination and was now safe from infection. BOY OH BOY WAS I WRONG. It took me longer to feel them, but here they are- loneliness, depression, worry, self pity. Ta- Da! They have arrived.

Although their arrival and attempt to settle into my life has been easier to cope with than last time because now I am armed with information and experience. Hah! Take that you emotional goons! Basically now I have labels and procedures for bad days. "Okay this is loneliness. Time to invite someone over." or "Huh..I think depression snuck up on me. Time to talk to someone." or even "Hey! I remember THIS feeling!" or on the worst days I know to ask myself, "What is my one goal for today?"

Fortunately, all the differences with this deployment do make it easier to cope with the emotional goons which snuck back into my life. Technology provides me with lots of ways to reach out and get support from Jason, other Army wives, friends, family, or even strangers. And Lizzie provides so much distraction, I often don't have time to notice all those feelings trying to surround me and carry me away.

So, is this deployment easier or harder? Well...it depends. The more I think about it, the more complex the answer gets. I think my new answer might be, "This deployment is different and most days I'm grateful for that."