Is this deployment harder or easier?

People often ask if this deployment is harder or easier than the last. There are so many factors to consider when answering this question! It depends on the day, the minute, my mood, the circumstances, my daughter's mood, Jason's mood, the quality of the phone or computer connection, and a million other things. Although on most days I wouldn't call this deployment harder, for some reason I also hesitate to use the word "easier".

It's just different. Different life circumstances. Different technology. Different information. This time, I often know what to expect because of my experiences during the first deployment. Also, the military provides us with more information now than they did in 2003. This is partly because I now have "wife" status, but it's also largely due to improvements in their knowledge of how to support families and soldiers. (Yeah! 1 point for the military!) The internet also provides a lot more information, although this is not always a good thing.

As for the emotional experiences? Well I'm discovering that they are not as different as I had hoped.

I still have moments when my deployment emotions make no sense to me or anyone else. There are days when everyone around me is mystified by how to help or what is going through my head. On those days I am usually just as mystified. In the beginning, I had a few times I thought "Geez! My husband is DEPLOYED. I shouldn't sound so happy." On one occasion, a support person from the military called me a few weeks after Jason got to Iraq. She was very compassionate. Her full time job is to support families of deployed soldiers. She is paid to listen to people vent and complain; and then to help them. When she asked how I was doing, I enthusiastically replied "Great!" After I hung up, I shook my head in disbelief. Did I really just say that? What a strange response. But it was true. I missed Jason terribly, but life was going along quite well and things almost felt "easy". Almost.

There have been other times when my emotions didn't match up to the expectation (mine or anyone elses). Take this week for example. Today was the end of my first week of summer vacation. I should be basking in the time to relax and enjoying my days at home. Surprise! It was one of the hardest weeks since Jason left. Suddenly I have all this TIME. Time to think. Time to check email. Time to check the mail box. Time to check Facebook. Time to check email again. TIME to wonder- what am I going to do with all this TIME? Unfortunately, I'm also exhausted from the end of the school year. So, I don't have the energy to fill up the TIME. Instead, I take lots of naps and then I worry, am I wasting too much TIME?

This week has also taught me that the emotions of deployment are still the same. It took me a lot longer to unpack all the emotions, but they're here! In fact, a month ago I (privately) thought, "Yes, this deployment IS easier. I am happy and well adjusted." Then I immediately thought "Shhh! I can't admit that to people!" This time I know many of the other Army wives and I saw and heard their initial struggles and instead of relating to current feelings, I was relating to my feelings from Deployment 2003. As if, you only get to feel those things in the first deployment. Like I had received the vaccination and was now safe from infection. BOY OH BOY WAS I WRONG. It took me longer to feel them, but here they are- loneliness, depression, worry, self pity. Ta- Da! They have arrived.

Although their arrival and attempt to settle into my life has been easier to cope with than last time because now I am armed with information and experience. Hah! Take that you emotional goons! Basically now I have labels and procedures for bad days. "Okay this is loneliness. Time to invite someone over." or "Huh..I think depression snuck up on me. Time to talk to someone." or even "Hey! I remember THIS feeling!" or on the worst days I know to ask myself, "What is my one goal for today?"

Fortunately, all the differences with this deployment do make it easier to cope with the emotional goons which snuck back into my life. Technology provides me with lots of ways to reach out and get support from Jason, other Army wives, friends, family, or even strangers. And Lizzie provides so much distraction, I often don't have time to notice all those feelings trying to surround me and carry me away.

So, is this deployment easier or harder? Well...it depends. The more I think about it, the more complex the answer gets. I think my new answer might be, "This deployment is different and most days I'm grateful for that."