Lonely

Loneliness is an inevitable part of deployment. I find it to be a strange emotion. Maybe because its one we don't talk about that much. Maybe because although its all about feeling alone, being with others doesn't always make it go away. Plus, to say "I'm lonely" out loud is humbling and makes me feel more vulnerable than all the other emotions. Its the emotion that always feels like my fault. My inner voice fills me with coulds and shoulds- "I could have made plans with someone. I should have realized that I have all this open time with nothing to do. I should go out and do something! I could choose to stop feeling lonely."

Today I set aside the judgement and shame and took some time to just sit with the feeling of loneliness and study it. Actually I wasn't sitting, I was walking. And I wasn't alone. I had Lizzie and JD. But I was still lonely.

Things that don't make the loneliness go away (but should!):
* Ice cream- its still yummy though and I'm not giving it up! Maybe I just haven't eaten enough of it yet:)
* Bad TV- I've watched a lot of shows about prison. Don't ever go to prison- as an inmate or employee. Its bad. Although, watching these shows does make me think, "Well at least no one threw poop at me today or put me in solitary confinement, or fed me through a hole in the wall, or shot at me..." So, I guess it does help me let go of some self pity- because these shows remind me that my life is GOOD and a little loneliness is nothing!

Things that help distract me from the loneliness:
*Friends, family (of course!)
*Spending time with Jason's family and friends- this was a surprising discovery! They help me feel close to him and this scares off the loneliness in a way that nothing else can.
*Reading or writing- Why does this work? I'm still alone! I guess it just distracts my mind.
* A good movie. Or even a bad one that is still semi entertaining.
* Having a good conversation with Jason over email, the web cam, the phone, or once even in a dream!

But the BEST remedy for loneliness (I was lucky enough to discover this evening) is...
Facing the loneliness. Admitting to it.
Talking about it. Calling it by name.
Looking loneliness straight in the eye and saying,
"You don't scare me! I am bigger and stronger than you."