Fort Hood

I was driving home on Thursday, listening to my daughter tell stories about daycare. I had the radio on quietly. Suddenly I heard a news story about soldiers. I turned up the radio and time froze. An attack on a military base, in the US? I couldn't think straight.

At home I stood in front of the TV, trying to understand what they were reporting. I went through all the soldiers and wives I know and tried to think if any had a connection to Fort Hood. I would have been glued to the television all night had my daughter not interrupted my trance. She walked in front of the TV and then hugged my legs and said, "I love you, too Mommy."

I turned off the TV, but the story stayed with me. I thought about the two times my husband has gone through SRP. I don't know what that stands for, but I know its military talk for, "hours and even days of waiting around and getting everything in order to deploy". I know for young soldiers it can be exhilarating and terrifying and even boring. Hours of waiting for dental appointments and eye exams and appointments with legal representatives and lots of paperwork. Then paperwork gets lost or filled out wrong, so it needs to be done again. Then there is the completion of the will. Everyone is probably nervous and scared, but trying not to show it. For families, this time that our soldiers are at SRP means that deployment is imminent. Couples have started the emotional pull apart in an effort to desensitize and gather strength for the send off and deployment.

So, when I hear that the Fort Hood shooting occurred during an SRP I can't help but picture the room full of young men and women ready to serve our country. They think they are summoning strength and courage for a deployment away from their families. They are bored of sitting in that room. They are counting down the minutes until they can relax and see their families again or make a phone call or have a cigarette or even board that plane and just get this thing started. Some of them are observing the ridiculous disorganization of military ways. Some of them are perfecting their, "hurry up and wait" skills. Wives are at home overwhelmed with the idea that soon their husbands will deploy. They are mad at themselves for the annoyance that they feel towards their husbands. He's already distant. He's already handed over too much responsibility on the home front. They wonder how they'll do it. They are wishing they could treasure the last few moments but they can't stop crying or yelling or pretending to be helpful and supportive.

Then tragedy strikes. The emotional challenge that everyone was gearing up for would have been so much easier. Easier to cope with. Easier to understand. Easier to recover from.

It's not my story, yet I can't get it out of my head.

By Friday I found out that I had overlooked someone. I have a connection to one of the victims. He is a graduate from the school I teach at. I remember hearing he had joined the military and was stationed at Fort Hood. I didn't know him, but his brother is in the classroom across the hall from me. His wife graduated from our school, too. She just moved to Fort Hood with their children.

It's still not my story, yet I can't get it out of my head. This has nothing to do with fear that it could be me and my family. It has everything to do with sadness that it happened at all.

My thoughts and prayers are with the victims and their families. May they someday feel peace again.